You’re not gonna understand a word of this, so don’t bother reading it…….

Its 3.45am this 19th of June. Wow, its June dy… 3 weeks away from being a final year dental student… imagine that! Ive been having these insomnia spells these past few weeks. Its driving me nuts especially when I cant do anything about it. I hate it when Im not in control of things- especially myself.

Im just here to share my thoughts about something that is most probably THE thing keeping me up this late- relationships. No, no Kelantan stories today. Not in the mood. PMSing.

What would you do if you knew or feel that a relationship you’re having was heading towards an end? Would you stay and savor every last end of it? Would you be thankful that it happened rather then dwell on the fact that its ending? Would you do everything you could to save it? Would you pack your stuff and run before the relationship ran out on you? Would you distance yourself away from it, act like you don’t care in hopes that when the time comes to say good bye, it wouldn’t hurt you so much? Or would you just live in denial, lying to yourself that its not over?

I used to believe that when something good ends, you should be thankful that it happened. That was how I coped with my first break up. I probably made myself believe that although the separation almost killed me, I was lucky that I had the chance and opportunity to experience it. To feel how it was to love and be loved back in return unconditionally. But my friends felt that I shouldnt have gotten into a relationship that wasn’t going to work in the first place.

Which brings me to my big Q- all relationships will eventually find its way to end, so should we just not have any relationships so we can spare ourselves the hurt and pain that follows a break up?

Then not long after that break up, I had to cope with leaving the bestest bunch of friends ive made. Even though we only met for 3 months, our friendship was incredible. We shared everything with each other. Knew almost everything about each other in that short period. But when i decided to leave to pursue my dreams as a doctor, I coped with the pain by spending the remaining time I had left before entering matrics with them. I made sure that we would forever remember our friendship. And those three months felt like years cos we did so much. The breakup of this beautiful friendship was again painful, but at least I have our memories safe in my heart.

Then 2 years later, I found myself in another relationship. I at first found it hard to give my heart away since my ex was having a big chunk of it but since the guy was really keen to have it, I decided to try. So I did… I tried to love again. Two months later, I started having the feeling like we weren’t gonna last. At that moment, I decided that I was going to try to make this work. I wasn’t going to let this just slip away. So I tried harder to open my heart to him… a few weeks later, he left. It was like a punch to my stomach. Here I am trying to like you and you walk? What the hell?!

And recently, I had to watch my closest friend at uni move into another room. We had been next door neighbors for a year, and starting this new sem, she had to move out. It really hurt especially considering the fact that we’ve been so close to each other, sharing so many things together- including our toothbrush once…YUCK, I know… I know, that particular incidence wasn’t on purpose. Are we going to be as close now that she moved out? I dunno. It scares me to think about it. So my resort- I pretend like she’s still next door… it helps with the pain…

The thing is, I came out good in all those situation. I didn’t need to cry my heart out or did I have to look like I lost… however, its only now I realize that although I grew stronger from those experiences, I paid a price. Im now not as happy, not as cheerful and not as optimistic as I used to be. I do not let people into my heart anymore. Ive build a wall around it because I am soo afraid that if I let anyone in, ill have to let them out. Ive soon become a person that is afraid of relationships, someone who is afraid to be left. I think many can relate to that.

Which would explain why Im so scared to get close to my parents. We’ve always been a working family. My parents work all the time so we never really had time to hang out together. Sure we went to supermarkets and stuff but not to relax but to buy groceries. We never went on holidays, not counting the annual trips we make to Kedah and Johor for Raya and Christmas. But those trips pun always ends up in fights cause my parents are always too tired to tolerate each other. So ive always been used to not really having parents to have fun with.

But now, my mom has quit working. So I kindda have my family back. And its only now at age 23 that I get to hang out with my mom. We go shopping. Watch TV together. Which scares me because I feel that the family is getting closer to each other. It scares me to realize that my parents are ageing and that im about to loose them too. And me and my sisters are growing up and soon will be growing out of our family house. Another break up- to – be.

So what do I do- I stay away… I keep my distance. In hopes that when the day comes that I have to say goodbye, it wouldn’t hurt so bad. That I wouldn’t feel the lost. That I can keep that piece of my heart rather then giving it away. I avoid telling my parents how much I love them. I avoid letting them too close to me. I don’t mean to be that way, its just because my heart cant take another breakup. I cannot give my heart away without knowing that I’ll get it back. Im just scared. That’s that.

What im trying to say is that ive now chosen to run for it when ever I see a relationship cos ive decided that relationships are made to end. Ive choosen not to give anymore of my heart away. I feel it’s a lot less hurtful. I still love, but without my heart intervening too much. iv let my head take control of my feelings. But the thing is ive come to a point where I might have to reconsider my self defense mechanism. But Im not sure if im strong enough to do so…. I need sleep…

-LadYDarK-