Monday, January 7, 2008

im getting old and grumpy... happy freaking new year to you too... :P

Hansel once said to Gretel…

“Let us drop these bread crumbs… So that together, we’ll find our way home. Because loosing our way would be the most cruel of things”

… This year I lost my way.

Loosing your way in a journey is unfortunate. But loosing your reasons for the journey is a fate more cruel…

The journey lasted 12 months…

Sometimes I traveled alone…

Sometimes there were others who took the wheel… and took my heart…

But when the destination was reached, it wasn’t me who arrived…

It wasn’t me at all.

Once you loose yourself, you have two choices;

i. find the person you used to be, or

ii. loose that person completely

Because sometimes you have to step outside the person that you’ve become and remember the person you were meant to be… the person you wanted to be… the person you were…

I just realized that I haven’t made a new year’s resolution. I’m so tied up with my life that I didn’t realize that I have moved on to yet another chapter in my life. I’ll be 24 in a month’s time… and I still feel so lost. Not even aware that a year has passed… not even aware that a fresh new year is awaiting me…

I am currently listening to my newly purchased Backstreet Boys album- UNBREAKABLE. Gosh how I love these guys. I think if there is one thing that hasn’t changed about me; it would definitely be my love for these guys. Haha. Im not sure if that’s a good thing or notJ

Anyway, im sitting here in the middle of the night trying to remember who I was before this year started…. Before this, I was a 4th year dental student. Taking things easy.. like I always. Before this, I never got angry easily, always giving people a second chance, always forgiving. Before this I was planning my life after studies… roaming the world…meeting people…changing lives…making a difference…

Now, I am a Final Year Dental Student… 6 months away from being the Kapt Dr Sophia Ann Murray which I have been dreaming of all these years (insyaallah)… Now I am somebody who suffers from panic attacks and insomnias, so afraid of what the future holds. So afraid that I won’t graduate on time. Now I am someone who gets pissy and annoyed easily, only thinking of myself. Now I am someone who is unsure of her life. Unsure if she’s choosing the right path, unsure if she’s taking the right steps. And worst of all… unsure of herself.

I wonder if there ever is an understanding in this kind of situation.

So, for the new year, I hope to find myself. I hope to understand myself better to the least. I want to look back on this year remembering myself. Remembering my principles. Remembering what I am capable of and how independent I am. Remembering how extraordinary I can be. And recognizing the sophisticated person I am reminiscing. I hope to find courage to face my fears… to leave all the negative loads on me… to walk away from all the bad influences in my life…to move on strong…

The more available he gets… the more I pull away… Sometimes people play hard to get because they need to know if the other person’s feelings are real… Its not about the sex… its not…about the sex… Its about that moment afterwards…when the world stops… It just feels so safe…so safe… I’m not ready to give that up… does that make me sad and weak and pathetic…?

6th January 2008
P/S: Happy 58th Birthday Daddy!!!
No daddy, im not having sex… its just a metaphor…!

Lady Dark

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